Tonight was the last night I'd rock one of my babies while they are still an infant.
Tomorrow he's a toddler.
Luke turns 1 at 2:14am.
I'm in shock, disbelief and relieved all at the same time. This year flew by. I honestly don't remember much of it. The details are fuzzy from lack of sleep, selfless days, and the daily grind of being a family of 5. I don't mean daily grind as a bad thing, but things tick along and move fast most days.
I'm in shock that a love this deep for all our children can be so pervasive in my daily life. Aside from them physically and emotionally needing me all day at this stage in their life, they fill my head and my heart with joy. And sadness. And anger. And fear. Kind of like the movie Inside Out, no? The shock your world goes through after bringing three children (or any amount for that matter) is a beautiful challenge that you never recover from. You don't recover because you're a changed person and you will never be the same. The Lisa before kiddos may not recognize me, and that's okay. The shock of it all hasn't quite sunk in yet, but I'm getting there. Closing this chapter of infancy is the first step to moving past the shock of it all and opening new doors in our life.
I'm in disbelief that my sweet Luke is one. My boy. My heart, and omg I won't even pretend to not be obsessed with him. Maybe its because I didn't have brothers, but having a boy is such a different experience. He literally has my heart in his hands. My girls feel more apart of me, and I'm apart of them in a way - they have me captivated in different ways for sure. Regardless, I can still vividly remember the room, the nurse, the midwife. Every single detail is seared into my brain and I'm certain it just happened yesterday. It can't be that a year has passed.
I look back at this year and it has been a challenge. Not so much the balancing of three kids or being "busy." But emotionally for me I had never been quite so lost. Maybe its because Luke is our first kid to truly struggle sleeping at night and I have had serious sleep deprivation this last year. Maybe it is that we have three young kids and I'm busy with not much time to myself. All of "whatever"caused my anxiety to flair beyond my control. Luke's health concerns with dairy and soy caused my diet to dramatically change. That was a huge adjustment for all of us and knowing I caused him harm through my diet still affects me today. The wounds this last year caused haven't quite healed up all the way yet, but they're getting there. The fog lifted a while ago and everyday life gets more clear.
The year wasn't all a challenge and was so full of joy and happiness that I've never experienced before. Knowing our family is complete fills my heart beyond measure. The way the girls adjusted so well to a new baby. The summer trips spent at the beach enjoying the giggles and the fun. Being a family of 5 and just being together. Watching Luke hitting milestones and cheering him on every step of the way. Jordan was home the majority of the year. Truly enjoying infancy as a family was a gift. Having our three beautiful children brings me endless amounts of happiness that I didn't know existed in this world.
While getting Luke down tonight he finished his bottle and then nursed his way to sleep. I usually lay him down in a cross cradle position after he's comfortably asleep. I've done that with all our kiddos. Tonight though he didn't want to stay cradled. He pressed up and then laid down on my chest. Its like he knows that's my favorite way to snuggle. I might have cried when he looked up at my while he took his bottle, and I might be crying now. I studied his face with all of his little features - his extra long lashes, the vein in his forehead, his little butt chin, his button nose and his old man hair line - hoping to sear them into my memory forever. Its sort of cruel he's my boy and my last baby, haha. I'm not quite ready to let him be 1 yet, but I guess I don't have a choice. Time marches on and babies don't keep.
Its a bit relieving to think that we can say goodbye to the baby phase. My heart truly aches about it, but to keep moving forward with our three beautiful children is exciting to me and its the beginning of a new chapter that we haven't started yet.
