Five Years of Our Beautiful, Real Life Love

Whelp, we made it to 5 years! Five whole years of marriage with my favorite human. 

Marriage is beautiful, challenging, uplifting, and ugly - sometimes all at once.


This has undoubtably been the hardest year of our marriage. This year at UPT has put outside stress on Jordan that he brought home every day for the last year with him. And by no means is that his fault the stress followed him home. I had my own adjustments and stress this year, that added to our difficult year. A year of extremely high expectations with tests, skill and mental 'games' - all to make him one of the best pilots in the world. And he's conquered that challenge and will walk across the stage next week, receiving his wings in the best Air Force in the world. The amount of joy I feel for him is unmeasurable - but thats another post! It is hard to talk about this year without mentioning UPT because it took over just about every part of our lives this past year.

With all the stress came ugly moments and moments that tested us. I found myself asking "when do I get my husband back?" more than once. I learned that I can handle way more than I ever thought I could. And that doesn't mean that was pretty. I was a mess, probably most of the time. I like to think I held it together all the time, but Jordan had the pleasure - and the unfortunate task of seeing me struggle through the year right next to him. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger is definitely true. But that doesn't mean its a fun, or an easy thing to live through. It actually really sucks.

What I've learned this year is that marriages aren't easy, but everybody knows that right?  Its choosing to love through the ugly - really ugly stuff sometimes. That choice is easy, but it doesn't make it easy to overcome all the ugly. There is no place I would rather be and no other person I would chose to go through the ugly with. My ugly consisted of selfish feelings, passive aggressive remarks, and begging for attention, much like a toddler. It wasn't pretty. Jordan did his absolute best and I have to say, sometimes I didn't feel like it was enough. But if he had more to give in those moments, I know he would have given it. Knowing his heart and understanding that it was killing him to not give everything to me and our girls, helped me cope with what I felt were inadequate days. I wish I could say it was easy, but it wasn't. I struggled through it. But now, maybe because he's seen all my ugly, I'm not scared of the ugly that will come our way in the future - I'm not sure any future ugliness will top this year.

But lets lighten things up. This year wasn't all ugly. We welcomed our sweet Natalie this year! When I say sweet, I mean really sweet. She is smily and happy just what our family needed this year. She is such  a joy and seeing Jordan with TWO little girls is just the best. He is the best daddy to them, and I know they brighten his world. I seriously can't believe that in 5 years of marriage we have transformed into a family of four! We moved across the country and made the best friends here in Enid, America who will stay with us for life. We've had a lot of fun along the way this year, so many fun fridays and celebrations.

I've seen Jordan conquer this year, putting all his focus into his career while balancing a family. He came home and gave all his attention he had and love to us, when it was easier for him to pull away from us and focus on training. I've seen how selfless my husband is and it encourages me to be my best for him. I'm not always at my best, and he loves me through my imperfections. I have learned so much about myself and our marriage and I am blown away by the strength of our love.


Love is so much more than the happy, butterfly touchy feely surface love. The choice to see each other through the ugly is what makes or breaks a marriage. It is easier to drift apart and have hurt feelings and focus on what you need when things get ugly. Its tough to push your feelings aside and know that when your spouse isn't or can't be their best, their heart is still yours and they need you more than ever in those moments. We are a team, and its important to support and give my all, even when its tough.

We have a beautiful life. We had a tough year. But I can honestly say I love my husband more than I ever have. I am proud of our marriage and who we have become together. I am not a perfect wife, but I am choosing my marriage and my husband every day. Looking back on our 5 years, we have come so far and I'm so excited for our family to continue to grow together, even through our challenges. Thank you Air Force for challenging our marriage in ways I could never imagined, and helping us come out of UPT stronger.

I love you more today than yesterday, but far less than tomorrow. Here's to our forever babe <3

Lets be Honest

Monday was one of those days. You know those days. The days when nothing seems to go right, exhaustion is at its peak and you can't seem to pull yourself out of it. When life seems overwhelming and you can't find the good in anything really.  Positivity is thrown out the window and you snowball your thoughts into worse-case scenarios. Everybody has those days, right? Well that was Monday, and what made it even worse - it was my birthday.

I don't expect huge things on my birthday, it really is just another day after you turn 21. Its great to hear from friends on Facebook, get calls from grandparents, texts all day from friends & all the extra warm fuzzier that people throw your way. And that certainly happened for me yesterday. It was great. But it didn't really pull me out of 'one of those days.' So to be honest, my day still kinda sucked. 

The horrible, no good day started off the evening before really. Evie is cutting some molars, and Natalie is figuring out life, sleep and how to sneak as much mom time as possible. So we've been having busy, emotional days around here. Jordan is gone, so naturally nobody sleeps well in our house. Evie woke up around midnight and didn't fall back to sleep well, Natalie did her wake up for food, and Evie woke up 2 hours earlier than normal just to make momma feel extra tired - at least she fell asleep with me in bed for a while longer.

So I'm tired, how many pots of coffee is safe to drink in a day? Evie is whining and crying at just about everything. And by everything I mean EVERYTHING. This girl gives full on dramatic episodes to questioning if she wants water or milk. It took me a good hour before the fog lifted some for me. Again, I'm not the only one with this struggle, right? My fog is lifting just about the time Natalie decides she's hungry/tired/cranky/cling-on. She's been doing this I'm fussy, not super hungry, but I want to nurse, and no I'm not sleeping thing. Every morning lately its been a thing - she used to just take a morning nap, I'd like that back. 

We stumble through the morning. All the while I'm just cranky myself. Just in a funk. I get "happy birthday!!" calls and texts. They are lovely, they really are. The cheer me up - and then I look around at my massive pile of laundry, fussy baby, dramatic crying two year old - and then I'm back into that funk. Why? I want so badly just to enjoy the day with my girls and relax. But as the morning wore on, it almost got worse.

The rest of the day continued to have ups and downs. Happy birthday calls staggered throughout the day and would shine light through the clouds hanging over my head that day. The girls fought me on naps, not sure anybody slept more than 45 minutes. I decided it was time to get out of the house, and we went for some greasy, Chick Fil-A and it was just what we needed!