Some Fresh Thinking

I am sitting here alone on a Sunday night. Its a night that my husband should have been home. Could I be mad, sure. But what will that change? The fact is, my husband is an airline pilot with a regional airline company. His life, well our life, is mainly dictated by his schedule and when he is home. He is a junior FO at his company and sometimes he has a dictated schedule and other months he's on reserve (on-call). This month happens to be a reserve month. And per contract, he can be "junior manned" and made to work a day he is suppose to be off. Hence the situation we are in. It doesn't help that I work full time as a Neonatal ICU nurse and it seems like most of the time our schedules are completely opposite. Sure we might sleep together at night or have a few hours together, but to spend quality time is often challenging. Our lives tend to be so apart at times, and  yet we are very dedicated to each other. 

Most nights sleeping alone isn't troubling to me. We live in a safe neighborhood with great neighbors who are there for me if I need them. My family is minutes away and Jordan's family is less than an hour away. We have great friends. I know I am never really lonely, but I am alone a lot of the time. I keep myself busy with my side photography business, seeing my friends and family and working out. At times I feel like I have a double life. The Lisa who is "single" and the Lisa who is with Jordan. Of course I am married and would never, ever waiver in our amazing marriage, but I used to constantly schedule things around Jordan's schedule so we could make the most of our time together. This would bug Jordan. Me being home all the time when he is home makes him feel like I am suffocating him by always wanting to be together. I mean that's normal right? After not seeing your husband in 5 days, you would want to see him and spend every minute you can together. It took some time for me to realize that trying to make every minute he was home available for some kind of "Jordan & Lisa" time didn't work. It drove me crazy to figure out my work schedule and the days he was away were so full it was too much. It drove him crazy because he never got alone time. I had to realize that I was able to have all this alone time when he is away, but he was working the whole time and didn't get the down time that I have. I don't know why, but that is a hard concept to grasp. Even now I tend to find myself trying to switch my work schedule so we have more days off together, and there are some times when I do need to switch so we have a few days a month where its just us. 

But even not having matching schedules and trying to make my life as normal as possible I still feel like I have 2 separate lives. And I'm not real sure how to change that feeling. I'm not sure if it will ever go away. Its like I put certain things on hold when he is home so I can do more with him, but I tend to get more stressed out when I do things that way. What a struggle though. Its hard to find that balance. I wonder if I will feel more balanced when we have kids because I HAVE  to keep some consistency for their sake. Gosh I can't even imagine at this point what wrenches kids will throw into our crazy life....

There are so many intricacies and craziness to our life that I hope to spell out a bit here. I am honest about what we go through and the stages we will come across in life. I hope I can be somewhat entertaining and therapeutic for myself at the same time. I could continue this entry forever and ever, but there is plenty of time for that. I'm just excited to start this new chapter so to speak and get things out. 

I'll end this first post by saying I love my husband so deeply that I can't imagine having life any other way. We just don't have typical time together as other couples do. Some say I'm strong for being able to "do things on my own" or I hear "how can you sleep alone?" I don't feel like I do anything on my own, Jordan never leaves my thoughts and he is a very strong constant in my life. And who doesn't like to splay out on the bed by themselves every now and then?