Five Years of Our Beautiful, Real Life Love

Whelp, we made it to 5 years! Five whole years of marriage with my favorite human. 

Marriage is beautiful, challenging, uplifting, and ugly - sometimes all at once.


This has undoubtably been the hardest year of our marriage. This year at UPT has put outside stress on Jordan that he brought home every day for the last year with him. And by no means is that his fault the stress followed him home. I had my own adjustments and stress this year, that added to our difficult year. A year of extremely high expectations with tests, skill and mental 'games' - all to make him one of the best pilots in the world. And he's conquered that challenge and will walk across the stage next week, receiving his wings in the best Air Force in the world. The amount of joy I feel for him is unmeasurable - but thats another post! It is hard to talk about this year without mentioning UPT because it took over just about every part of our lives this past year.

With all the stress came ugly moments and moments that tested us. I found myself asking "when do I get my husband back?" more than once. I learned that I can handle way more than I ever thought I could. And that doesn't mean that was pretty. I was a mess, probably most of the time. I like to think I held it together all the time, but Jordan had the pleasure - and the unfortunate task of seeing me struggle through the year right next to him. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger is definitely true. But that doesn't mean its a fun, or an easy thing to live through. It actually really sucks.

What I've learned this year is that marriages aren't easy, but everybody knows that right?  Its choosing to love through the ugly - really ugly stuff sometimes. That choice is easy, but it doesn't make it easy to overcome all the ugly. There is no place I would rather be and no other person I would chose to go through the ugly with. My ugly consisted of selfish feelings, passive aggressive remarks, and begging for attention, much like a toddler. It wasn't pretty. Jordan did his absolute best and I have to say, sometimes I didn't feel like it was enough. But if he had more to give in those moments, I know he would have given it. Knowing his heart and understanding that it was killing him to not give everything to me and our girls, helped me cope with what I felt were inadequate days. I wish I could say it was easy, but it wasn't. I struggled through it. But now, maybe because he's seen all my ugly, I'm not scared of the ugly that will come our way in the future - I'm not sure any future ugliness will top this year.

But lets lighten things up. This year wasn't all ugly. We welcomed our sweet Natalie this year! When I say sweet, I mean really sweet. She is smily and happy just what our family needed this year. She is such  a joy and seeing Jordan with TWO little girls is just the best. He is the best daddy to them, and I know they brighten his world. I seriously can't believe that in 5 years of marriage we have transformed into a family of four! We moved across the country and made the best friends here in Enid, America who will stay with us for life. We've had a lot of fun along the way this year, so many fun fridays and celebrations.

I've seen Jordan conquer this year, putting all his focus into his career while balancing a family. He came home and gave all his attention he had and love to us, when it was easier for him to pull away from us and focus on training. I've seen how selfless my husband is and it encourages me to be my best for him. I'm not always at my best, and he loves me through my imperfections. I have learned so much about myself and our marriage and I am blown away by the strength of our love.


Love is so much more than the happy, butterfly touchy feely surface love. The choice to see each other through the ugly is what makes or breaks a marriage. It is easier to drift apart and have hurt feelings and focus on what you need when things get ugly. Its tough to push your feelings aside and know that when your spouse isn't or can't be their best, their heart is still yours and they need you more than ever in those moments. We are a team, and its important to support and give my all, even when its tough.

We have a beautiful life. We had a tough year. But I can honestly say I love my husband more than I ever have. I am proud of our marriage and who we have become together. I am not a perfect wife, but I am choosing my marriage and my husband every day. Looking back on our 5 years, we have come so far and I'm so excited for our family to continue to grow together, even through our challenges. Thank you Air Force for challenging our marriage in ways I could never imagined, and helping us come out of UPT stronger.

I love you more today than yesterday, but far less than tomorrow. Here's to our forever babe <3

Four Amazing Years

It has been four amazing years since Jordan and I said 'I Do' 

This year brings new changes to our family, as we have moved to Oklahoma for our newest journey with the United States Air Force. I look outside today and I don't see the beautiful fall landscape that is Michigan fall. Today's high will be around 90, and that fall crisp is missing from the air around us. Even though we are in an entirely different part of the country, and Jordan is very busy with pilot training, many things have remained the same. 

Last night we reminisced about our rehearsal dinner and the nerves we felt before our big day. We had no idea that night how amazing our journey would be. Our wedding was a great day, but we had no idea that our amazing day would just be the start of all the beautiful things that have happened in our lives so far. Today I enjoyed time with Evelyn & new friends while Jordan was at work. Jordan has a big test tomorrow, so we weren't able to spend as much time as we would have liked together, but our moments together have counted. We exchanged our gifts & we will watch football together while he decompresses for a few moments before he gets back to studying. 

We have become used to spending time apart based on the nature of Jordan's two career choices, which has presented different challenges that many couples do not have to face. To us, its our reality. When you only get two days a week with your husband, you learn to cherish the moments you get. It sounds cheesy and I promise we aren't all happiness and sunshine every time we are together, but its how we live and it works for us. I've learned that he needs alone time, even when Evelyn and I want to take up all his time. I've learned that he is happy with simple things, like home-cooked meals, playing with Evelyn & simple gestures. I have stopped trying to make every moment perfect when we get time with him and just try and enjoy him being home and present. 

This new journey of living across the country from our family is a new challenge to us and we are trying to adapt everyday. Jordan's schedule will only get more busy, and we will have to adjust our expectations again. For now, we relish in the idea that the sacrifices we make during these years of training will allow us to enjoy many, many anniversaries in big ways. 

I couldn't imagine going through life without Jordan and our craziness - I wouldn't trade it for the world. These years of adventures and adjustments with new jobs & new states just adds to our story that we will someday share with our grandchildren. We will look back and smile at the craziness that we chose. We only live once, and whats life without a little adventure? We've had our fare share of adventures in our first four years of marriage, and I can't wait to see what new adventures come our way. 

I love you more today than yesterday, but far less than tomorrow

3 years ago

Today Jordan and I celebrate 3 years of marriage!

I CANNOT believe it has been 3 years. As I'm writing this, I am back to that beautiful fall day on that October Saturday...

My girls were there for me all day to help calm my nerves, and I couldn't have asked for better people to be with that day. We got to the church and even though I have no idea what Jordan was up to, I knew he was probably feeling the same way I was. Excited. Nervous. Happy. The day that I dreamed about since I was a little girl was upon me. Would it live up to my expectations? I can't believe I ever wondered if it would live up to expectations...I was completely blown away.

I remember waiting in the back of the church as one by one, my girls left me. Then it was me and my daddy. Waiting for the doors to open when I would see the man of my dreams waiting for me. That moment was unforgettable. I couldn't take my eyes off that man. My man. My dreams were coming true, and I couldn't be any happier.

The church was the perfect setting. Its what I pictured our wedding like. A big, grand BEAUTIFUL church.

Our day was perfect. There is no other way to describe it.

October 16, 2010 was so much more than my dream wedding. It was the day I made a promise to my best friend in front of God, family & friends. Marriage is not an easy road and there can be daily challenges. But I look at Jordan every day and am so thankful for the strong, humble & loving man that I get to spend my life with. He loves me through my faults and mistakes. He is patient with me when I struggle. He understands my heart and I understand his.

Today we celebrate our love multiplied through our daughter. The day she was born, I fell deeper in love with Jordan.  Seeing the way he interacts with her makes my heart melt. He is so tender with her. Today is a day to watch our wedding video and to cherish each other a little more. Its a day to be thankful for our life together as a family of 3. And its a day to look forward to our future together.

Today also marks the end of my maternity leave and the beginning of our new routine with babysitters and work. I am very sad about having to leave my baby girl tomorrow, but today I am going to snuggle. I'm going to snuggle with Jordan and Evelyn and remember our wedding day. I am thankful for the last 3 years of marriage with Jordan and the last 11 weeks with Evelyn. We have a blessed life and I look forward to many, many more years.

 I love you more today than  yesterday, but far less than tomorrow.

Meet the {Great} Grandparents

When we got pregnant with our sweet Evelyn we soon realized that our little baby would be growing up with a unique family composition. Jordan and I are lucky enough to have both sets of our grandparents alive. Thats right. We have all 8 of our grandparents {Evelyn's GREAT-grandparents} living, never divorced and all married for over 50 years! And then we have our parents who will be the new grandparents. All that totals TWELVE {12} grandparents for Evelyn. I am honestly still wrapping my mind around how remarkable this is. So once Evelyn was born, we knew we had to make sure she met all grandparents in her first few weeks. We also wanted to get all the grandparents together at the same time to take one big group picture so we will never forget how amazing and lucky we all are to have so many people in our lives!

Gram & Gramps Spaans

Nana & Pops Hamilton

So we'll start with the brand new first time grandparents. Evelyn is the first grandchild for both of our parents. Our parents all work full-time still, so we don't have built in babysitters, but they are definitely making sure they aren't missing anything in Evelyn's life. We have frequent visits from both sets of grandparents, and they always seem to bring little gifts with each visit! 

Great Pop & Great Gram Martin

The first sets of great grandparents Evelyn met were Jordan's grandparents. We were able to head up to Jordan's parents house and everybody was able to come meet little Evelyn. Great Pop & Great Gram Martin have always been special to Jordan. He spent many weekends at their cottage & loved Gram's cooking! They both have had some health challenges and we are so thankful to have them in our lives.  Evelyn is their first great-grandchild! 

Great Gram Spaans

Great Gram & Great Gramps Spaans also hold a special place in Jordan's life. This side of his family is big and their family get togethers are always great! Evelyn is their second great-grandchild, and their first great-granddaughter. Jordan loved tractors when he was younger because of Gramps. They have also had some health challenges, which has made us all realize how precious life really is! 

Great Grandma & Grandpa Hamilton

The next day Evelyn met my 2 sets of grandparents! My Grandma & Grandpa Hamilton came over from the Detroit area to meet little miss. She is their first great-grandchild and they have the honor of being our oldest grandparents! Evelyn and I traveled down to see them in Florida when I was 18 weeks pregnant and we hope to go back down and visit them this winter! 

Great Nana & Pappy Shoemaker

Evelyn then met her Great-Nana & Pappy. They were in Minnesota when she was born so they were thrilled to meet her. Evelyn is their 5th great-grandchild, but their first great-granddaugther, I was their first granddaughter, so we are keeping that tradition going! My Nana and Pappy live very close and I'm sure they will make frequent visits to see Evelyn! 

All of our grandparents hold such a special place in our hearts. Jordan and I both grew up with our grandparents very involved in our lives. They were active with sporting events and always made it to all our big school events growing up. We can only hope that she gets to know her great-grandparents for many years and that her grandparents are just as involved as ours were {we have no doubt our parents will be VERY involved.} 

The best days

It seems that life has a funny way of making you grateful for everything you have. 

There hasn't been one incident in particular that has really impacted me lately, there is just this little life inside of me, being a constant reminder of how precious and fragile life is. Like I talked about in an earlier post, I am very fortunate to have had the pregnancy I've had. I won't even begin to start down the list of why I'm grateful , but I just know that there are far too many things that can go wrong, and even though I am not out of the woods, I know that I am truly grateful for every healthy day that I do get. 

I've been thinking about all the destruction, death and hate that are going on in our world right now. I wonder if is much different than in the past. I mean I know that sounds a little silly because there are more ways it seems to easily kill massive amounts of people with one explosion. But how does living in such a technology centered world affect our perception of crime? We all know that big news stories about murders, wars and other bad things all get more air time. With every part of our lives being so accessible with a click of a button, I just wonder if we are just more aware of the evil that people can possess. I don't know, just a thought. 

And then I think about how blessed I am to have all the family and love I could have ever imagined. Seeing all these devastating stories on the news doesn't make me lose hope for mankind, it makes me think of the good that may come out of these situations. How people come together to help their neighbors and are more generous to each other. How people are influenced by a loved ones unexpected death and are moved to start a charity, or pledge to live their lives to the fullest because their loved one can't. People may be lead back to their religion, or volunteer more. I just think that sometimes you can't appreciate all the good in your life without realizing that there are awful things that can happen. 

Now I'm not saying that all these tragedies are good by any means. All I'm saying is that we need to all take a step back and see what good we can do without a tragedy. Why do we need something bad to happen in our lives, country or world for us to do good? Everyday I try to make the best of each day. I always try to go out and be happy and put a smile on somebody's face. I might make a fool of myself and be a little silly with things, but I don't see a reason to sit and feel sorry for myself for having a bad day. Sure, I have bad moments or times when I am stressed out and not acting as kind to my loved ones as I should, but I really try to stay positive and focus on the good in the world. I hope that other people can notice that in me and I'm not just blowing smoke up my own butt to make myself feel better about my outlook on life. 

Maybe I am infinitely happy that I am going to be a mommy and my husband is going to be the best daddy in the whole world to our little babe. Maybe I'm not quite right in the head (I know I'm probably not, but who is?). Maybe I just want to share a smile and make a difference in somebody's day. Maybe I am filled with so much peace because I know my Lord and Savior died for me and everyone else so that we can have a second chance. Whatever it is that is making me so happy, I'm just going to soak it up and enjoy it. There may be a day coming when I'm sleep deprived and my little babe won't stop screaming that I may find it hard to see the joy. But I pray that no matter my circumstance, I always will find happiness, love and joy in each and every day, because I know there are far too many people who wish they had one more day. 

Blood sugar test, Ack!

So, Jordan, baby and I have made it to 25 weeks! And, unfortunately the dreaded fasting blood sugar test. Around here, they do the "new & improved" blood sugar testing, which they say is a more accurate representation of gestational diabetics. I think its stupid. I think it 'captures' all these "gestational diabetics" who aren't really. I think it drives up medical costs. But thats just my opinion. I might be slightly biased because I have to be fasting for 10 hours and then sit there for 2 hours after I drink straight sugar mix. Who tells a 6-7 month pregnant lady that she can't eat? I mean c'mon, that just isn't nice. My test is at 730 am tomorrow, and I had to start fasting at 930pm. It is now 1030, and I am starving already and have some wicked heartburn. It will all be over in 12 hours, right? But seriously, enough complaining about an important test. It really is an important test, there are many women who have gestational diabetes and it is very serious, the babies can have multiple complications. But can't I just vent it out for a second?!

I honestly though should not even be complaining about taking this test. I've made it far enough in my pregnancy to have the privilege to take it. After all my belly-aching, then I call this a privilege, you probably think I'm a little crazy! (I am pregnant, after all!) At work every day, I am reminded of women who are not as lucky as I am to have a healthy pregnancy and face many complications. There have been many patients that I have taken care of whose mothers have not made it to 25 weeks to even take this test. I am so lucky to make it this far. There are far too many women in this world who deserve to have beautiful, wonderful, healthy pregnancies and have nothing but troubles. there are too many families who are heartbroken by infertility, miscarriage, fetal loss, stillborns, severe congenital defects, and many other complications. Jordan and I are truly blessed to have made it this far.

I know it sounds silly to keep saying, I've made it this far. It sounds a little odd to me too, but that's honestly how I feel. Everyday that passes and every time baby and I make it to another Monday, I think, "we've made it this far, look at how far we've come!" There are probably many women who realize what a miracle it is to have a baby inside of them, but fail to realize how lucky they are to be where they are at. I have seen the heartbreak of having twins at 23 weeks and only have 1 survive, only to have a long, uncertain road ahead. The sadness of going into spontaneous labor at any week before 37 weeks, it happens all too often. Maybe it really sucks that I know all these things can happen. Or maybe its God's way of keeping me grounded. Now, don't get me wrong, I have moments of feeling worn out, emotional, hungry (right now), but how can I deny how absolutely blessed I am to be where I am at. How can any woman who is pregnant deny that?

Our society is so focused on instant gratification that I feel like when some women get toward the end of their pregnancy, all they can do is complain and "want it to be over." I'm not saying those thoughts wouldn't cross my mind, I've never been to the end of a pregnancy before, but I sure as hell know I will not be complaining when I am, God willing, at that point. We are so ready to be over with that part in our lives, that we sacrifice our bodies natural rhythm to go into labor when the baby is ready. I know there are situations when inductions are needed, but I hear of people all too often of "wanting" to be induced at 39 weeks, because they are "big enough" or too uncomfortable. Well, I could think of at least 30 women currently with babies on my unit and many more before them who would give their right arm to be uncomfortable at 39 weeks with a big baby. Our gestational period as humans is 40 weeks, there is a reason for that. Yes, many babies do fine a few weeks before then, and no we don't want our babies overdone due to the complications that can be associated with that, but we use 40 weeks for a reason, its what's best for the babies! Isn't that what being pregnant is all about anyway, the baby?

Why is it so easy to lose tract of the miracle that has been going on inside of us for 40 weeks and just complain? We get to house a precious life for those 40 weeks, just us and the baby. Like I said, I am sitting here in my happy 25 weeks, mostly comfortable and feeling great, so I do have a biased, cheery disposition on the whole thing. But I have nothing to complain about. I have a wonderful husband who always supports me, my baby is healthy, I am in good health, and everyday I am one day farther, I am one day closer to meeting my baby. Every time I think something is awful or I feel "terrible" I just think of the women who would die to be in my shoes. There are far too many things that can go wrong to sit and think about them all day, but for me, knowing they exist and being thankful for where I am at in my pregnancy make these 25 weeks and 15 more to come that much more precious to me.

Yummy's on a cold night

Tonight Jordan returned from being gone for 5 days on a trip to California for the military. I was feeling bad that he had to  leave the 90 degree days to head back to frost covered Michigan (no not really, haha!). I was actually feeling very cold all day and decided to warm up with some chili, cornbread and pumpkin cookies! My chili is a little unconventional and is the chili my Nana and Mom made me many times while I was growing up. It is one of my favorite things to make and it always lasts for days after I make it. Jordan also happens to love it, so I never need to convince him that it sounds good for dinner. I wanted to give him a little warmth as he came back from gorgeous perfect weather, to our chilly November days.


Yum. So here is a picture of my wonderful Chili. Little unconventional, but so, so tasty. This is how I make it:

1 can diced tomatoes
1 can hot & spicy beans ( I sometimes add more beans)
1 jar tomato juice
1 lb ground turkey (or beef, venison, etc)
Noodles (I use spaghetti cut in half this time, but any type
                will do)
Jalapenos (as many as you want!)
Onion
Garlic (because everything is better with garlic!)
Chili powder
1/4 cup sugar
salt & pepper

I take the meat and onion and start getting that cooked up to add in. I get a small pot of water boiling for the pasta that I will add. While that is cooking, I add the tomato juice, beans, tomatoes, and jalapenos into a big pot. I add in the salt & pepper, chili powder, garlic, and the sugar. I add those to taste, depending how how I am feeling. I add in the meat & onion when they are cooked, and the pasta when that is ready. I let it all simmer and cook for 10-15 minutes. It is important to let all the flavors marry and get happy with eachother. I usually cook up some cornbread or just add some crackers while I'm eating it. As you can see, it does resemble goulash, but it has the flavor of chili. It is a big more soupy than other chili's, but it is so yummy!


These yummy cookies are pumpkin chocolate chip cookies!
3 ingredients!

1 box spice cake
1 large can of pumpkin
1 package of chocolate chips

Mix them all together and bake at 375 for 15-20 minutes. They are so, so yummy! They are super moist and delicious!




All this yummy-ness in one night means that Jordan is one lucky man. No I'm kidding, he is lucky for lots of reasons, but I do enjoy and get a lot out of when I can cook for him! He is on the road al the time and eats out everyday he is gone, so it is nice for him to have a home-cooked meal. This is one of my favorite meals, and I can't wait to share it with my daughters some day!

2 happy years

My wonderful husband and I are just celebrated our 2 year anniversary. I can’t believe how fast its gone. It sounds so long ago, but the time has gone so fast. Looking back on the last 2 years, I can’t imagine a better way to have spent them. Jordan is my rock and the love of my life and I am so, so lucky to have him. So much has changed since the day we said “I do.”

When we first got married, Jordan was finishing up his flight instructing certificates and was focusing on getting a job as a flight instructor to get hours to eventually apply for the airlines. We lived in a small 2 bedroom apartment on the east side of town. Everyday was a learning process. Some days we needed our alone time, some days we spent all day together and enjoyed eachothers company. There were times when we hurt eachother and there were lots of moments of joy.

And then Jordan got a tip that an airline would be hiring low-time pilots and that was his chance! He was able to get into the airlines when we weren’t expecting it. It was so awesome. Except the part that to train on the aircraft he has to be gone for about 2 months. Straight. Without breaks to come home. I thought this was totally crazy, I mean how do the airlines get away with that? Well, they do and that’s just the way it is unfortunately. I only got to see him once for those 2 months and man that was crazy. We weren’t even married for 6 months and he was gone for 2 of those months. Little did we know that was just the beginning of his adventures away from home.

Its such a learning process, this thing called marriage, and I’m  not sure we will ever perfect it, or even come close for that matter. There is such a balance that marriage requires and it constantly changes. At different times, we both need different things, and unless you are a mind reader, it is almost impossible to always get it right. We’ve learned to forgive, and to love uncondiontionally and to always look behind us and be grateful for how far we’ve come and to look ahead and see how far we will go together. We have learned the true meaning of unconditional. It doesn’t mean you can pick and choose, it doesn’t mean that you can give up. It doesn’t mean that you can give less because you are tired, or annoyed, or having a bad day. Through every moment of everyday, love and forgivness have to be unconditional. 

A Bonus Night

I am so excited. For the first time ever, Jordan is having an overnight in Kalamazoo!!!!!! This basically means he gets a bonus night at home this week. He gets to overnight all over the country and it never is here. But tonight it is! He doesn't get into Kalamazoo until about 9pm or so, and has to leave early in the morning, but hey, an extra night with my love always makes me happy!

To top it all off, I was suppose to work today, but got called off because of over-time this week. So now I get to enjoy this beautiful Saturday off and get ready to see Jordan tonight! This might just be the best Saturday ever!

Hard to see, but Jordan flew this plane! Thats him on the left side of the cockpit!

Some pilots probably spend a lot of nights at home, especially if they live in the town that is their base, or hub. We are lucky that Jordan's base is Detroit and he isn't too far from home. He can drive in each time he has a trip. Even more pilots have to commute by plane to their hub. That brings a lot of challenges in itself. Even though we get to fly free and Jordan and other pilots can "jump-seat" or fly in the extra seats where the flight attendants sit during take-off, it can be difficult to find empty seats. The main hubs that Delta has Atlanta, Detroit, Minneapolis, JFK are all busy places for commuters. There may be 60 seats on the plane open and there might be 80 "non-revers" trying to commute to their job. This leads to crash pads and lots of extra nights away from home for those pilots.

We are so lucky that we are within reasonable driving distance to Jordan's hub. There are some nights when he has an early flight out and he will head over the night before and stay the night in a hotel that gives discounts to flight crew. So it isn't that bad really, right? I mean it seems silly that I am excited about one extra night with my husband, but when you get so few each week, its the simple, everyday things that matter.

Some Fresh Thinking

I am sitting here alone on a Sunday night. Its a night that my husband should have been home. Could I be mad, sure. But what will that change? The fact is, my husband is an airline pilot with a regional airline company. His life, well our life, is mainly dictated by his schedule and when he is home. He is a junior FO at his company and sometimes he has a dictated schedule and other months he's on reserve (on-call). This month happens to be a reserve month. And per contract, he can be "junior manned" and made to work a day he is suppose to be off. Hence the situation we are in. It doesn't help that I work full time as a Neonatal ICU nurse and it seems like most of the time our schedules are completely opposite. Sure we might sleep together at night or have a few hours together, but to spend quality time is often challenging. Our lives tend to be so apart at times, and  yet we are very dedicated to each other. 

Most nights sleeping alone isn't troubling to me. We live in a safe neighborhood with great neighbors who are there for me if I need them. My family is minutes away and Jordan's family is less than an hour away. We have great friends. I know I am never really lonely, but I am alone a lot of the time. I keep myself busy with my side photography business, seeing my friends and family and working out. At times I feel like I have a double life. The Lisa who is "single" and the Lisa who is with Jordan. Of course I am married and would never, ever waiver in our amazing marriage, but I used to constantly schedule things around Jordan's schedule so we could make the most of our time together. This would bug Jordan. Me being home all the time when he is home makes him feel like I am suffocating him by always wanting to be together. I mean that's normal right? After not seeing your husband in 5 days, you would want to see him and spend every minute you can together. It took some time for me to realize that trying to make every minute he was home available for some kind of "Jordan & Lisa" time didn't work. It drove me crazy to figure out my work schedule and the days he was away were so full it was too much. It drove him crazy because he never got alone time. I had to realize that I was able to have all this alone time when he is away, but he was working the whole time and didn't get the down time that I have. I don't know why, but that is a hard concept to grasp. Even now I tend to find myself trying to switch my work schedule so we have more days off together, and there are some times when I do need to switch so we have a few days a month where its just us. 

But even not having matching schedules and trying to make my life as normal as possible I still feel like I have 2 separate lives. And I'm not real sure how to change that feeling. I'm not sure if it will ever go away. Its like I put certain things on hold when he is home so I can do more with him, but I tend to get more stressed out when I do things that way. What a struggle though. Its hard to find that balance. I wonder if I will feel more balanced when we have kids because I HAVE  to keep some consistency for their sake. Gosh I can't even imagine at this point what wrenches kids will throw into our crazy life....

There are so many intricacies and craziness to our life that I hope to spell out a bit here. I am honest about what we go through and the stages we will come across in life. I hope I can be somewhat entertaining and therapeutic for myself at the same time. I could continue this entry forever and ever, but there is plenty of time for that. I'm just excited to start this new chapter so to speak and get things out. 

I'll end this first post by saying I love my husband so deeply that I can't imagine having life any other way. We just don't have typical time together as other couples do. Some say I'm strong for being able to "do things on my own" or I hear "how can you sleep alone?" I don't feel like I do anything on my own, Jordan never leaves my thoughts and he is a very strong constant in my life. And who doesn't like to splay out on the bed by themselves every now and then?