The Struggle is Real

These last few days have been trying, to say the least.

Have you ever felt like your getting hit with every feeling possible and not really know why? Or really over-all you're kind of, sort of fine.

There are a number of things I can list that add up to how I'm feeling. Each one on their own doesn't seem like such a big deal. But combine them all together and they become suffocating. My feelings are big and sometimes scary lately. I feel happy, sad, angry, alone, satisfied, exhausted, determined, strong and weak - and sometimes all in one day. Putting this all down makes me feel like I might actually be crazy. Maybe I am. But I really think I'm a human, real-life, full-time wife and mother. My struggle is real.

We are all adjusting to being a family of four. And for the most part it has been a fairly smooth transition. I am  still trying to figure out sleep schedules for Natalie and learning how to function again with interrupted sleep.

Evelyn has fully embraced being a toddler and the mood swings and irrational tantrums that come with toddlerhood. Mix that with her "I Shy" attitude and it makes for some interesting social interactions. We have been doing swim lessons, which I thought would go over fantastically because she LOVES to swim, but I was way, way, WAY wrong. If the teacher looks at her she screams and cries and carries on. And if somebody gets too close to her she freaks out. Pure meltdown mode for the whole 30 minutes of class. We get some moments of learning, but overall she is latched on to me and doesn't let go. So that isn't a stressful morning for me at all. I should probably stop going because it stresses me out more than anything, but hey - I paid $40 and I'm too stubborn to let her mood swings be the reason we stop swim lessons, we aren't quitters!

Wow, maybe Evelyn is the source of most of my not so happy feelings. But then thinking she's the main culprit makes me sad and causes more feelings because she's really not the cause, its the way I'm reacting to situations. Regardless, my list keeps growing.

UPT. can I say that again. UPT is causing me stress. I don't know if its all catching up to me after 10 months of training, but I am feeling it now. I'm sick of my husband being graded every day. Which means he's constantly on edge because he's getting graded. Which means he's not totally present day-to-day. I don't mean present like physically present (because he does have long days), but mentally/emotionally present too. He's half with us and half in training all the time. And I know thats the product of a tough year on him, and thats a sacrifice we both agreed to, but man. It sure is adding up and piling on top of me right now.

Did I mention I am still adjusting to interrupted sleep patterns?

And the icing on top of the cake is that today Evelyn tripped an fell backward onto Natalie's head. Yup. Landed square on her head. Natalie was laying on her playmat and Evelyn innocently tripped and her butt smashed Natalie's head and she rolled onto her chest and then off. Mom brain and nurse brain were in full panic mode. Jordan was gone and stuck at work. I called my amazing friend Kelly and she came and sat with me while I cried. I cried because of course my newborn could potentially have brain damage (crazy nurse brain mode there!) and it would happen when I'm already at the end of my rope! Side note - Natalie is fine - after a trip to the ER, where of course she was a perfect angel.

Oh. And its HOT. I've never felt anything like this before. It. Is. Miserable! Heat index of 112. Are you kidding me!? With a newborn. We are stuck inside except for those damned swim lessons and the rest of the day I just can't make us get out and play. So we all have some cabin fever going on.

All of these things are just that. Things. But for some reason, I am completely overwhelmed. I feel like a crazy lady! I have had times in my life that have been truly more stressful, but this is hitting me hard. The weight of managing a household and working only in my home has been surprisingly heavy for me. My joy comes from my girls, but as I've found these last few days, they are a major source of stress and giving me many of these crazy feelings.

The struggle I'm feeling is very real and I know I'm not the only one to have these feelings and bad days. In these last few days I've found that it can be very isolating. I KNOW others feel this way at times, but why is it so hard to actually talk about with people? I talk with friends and they say, "It'll be okay." Which is the right answer. And I know I give that answer to friends when they have these feelings. But for some reason, it doesn't make me feel any less alone in my bad days. I wish I knew why because I have great friends and I know their intentions and their sentiments are real and are meant to make me feel better. And I do feel better after talking to them. Telling a friend all my crazy helps me feel better and get some weight off, but I often times still feel alone.

What I've learned is that I have to learn some easy outlets in my crazy. I don't need to get away or go spend money to feel better (although that would be nice!)  but talking with friends, working out, hugging my girls, writing, reading and spending quality time with my husband seem to calm my crazy. I can't always get these things and those days can be (and usually are) a struggle. Above all, I am wife and mother and that defines who I am at this point in my life. Some days are a struggle, but they are real. And for all my real life CRAY-Z, I think I'm doing alright.