One year missing you, Cassie

Today marks one year since my beautiful cousin lost her battle to Stevens Johnson Syndrome. 

She was 24 years old. 

She had a 3 week old son when she died. 

The circumstances around her death were shocking, sudden and are still surreal. Without going into too much detail, she was on an antibiotic and had a serious reaction. That reaction was initially not picked up on by doctors and led to her being admitted into the burn unit with severe skin peeling and blistering that acted like burns. Her body was trying its hardest to fight off the reaction. After giving birth just 2 weeks prior, she did not have the reserves a healthy 24 year old like her would normally have. 

Beautiful through the pain

She was treated as a burn victim and had her skin scrubbed raw to treat the blisters that overtook her whole body. She was wrapped in bandages and on a pain pump. She shook from the severe pain. The last week of her life she was away from the love of her life - her son Layne. She was in constant pain and still managed to crack jokes and smile at those that visited while loving on her son as much as she could. She touched every one of the nurses that worked with her. She inspired me with her strength and will to carry on. 

Her story is so much more than how she died, and I only offer a small window into her life. Talk with her close friends, sister, or mom and they will paint an even brighter picture of my beautiful cousin. 

She was my first girl cousin. We grew up at my Nana and Pappy's house. Swimming and go-carting and playing with our younger sisters and older boy cousins was our fun. I have fond memories of playing with her and her sister at their dad's house for what seemed like every weekend. She was happy and she was so fun.

She was a free spirit and loved The Beatles. She requested to listen to them 24/7 when she was in the hospital. She was a hippie girl and lived care-free while loving everybody. She always knew how to share her happiness with those around her. In more recent years we grew apart, but at family gatherings we always talked and her spirit always filled the house with laughter and happiness. 

I will never forget the day she died. I was at work and on my way in I talked with my mom & aunts and was happy to hear she made it through the night. The night prior she had taken a major turn for the worse, and making it through the night was iffy. I  headed into work and got a text about 5 minutes after report that I should head over and check things out. I talked with my aunts, and then I was able to head back to the unit and talk to some of the nurses. I guess thats the benefit to having hospital scrubs on. 

I could tell things were dire by the amount of people in her room managing pumps and alarms. I stood outside her room at the nurses station and asked a different nurse how things were. Not like, hows her day going, because I knew it wasn't good, but like should I be here, or am I okay to go back to my unit and work? I'll never forget her eyes when I asked her that. She had the saddest look in her eyes and thats when I knew. The crash cart wasn't outside her room for "just in case" it had already been used that morning. 

I practically ran back to the other side of the hospital to my unit and could barely get the words out. My charge nurse was so kind and thankfully we had an extra nurse on that day. I didn't even give report to the nurse taking over for me. I grabbed my things and ran back the other way with tears running down my face. 

The rest of the morning is a blur. She kept coding and then coming back. She was fighting so hard. She was not going to give in no matter how many times she coded. She had endured so much pain in the week prior and it kept continuing. In the waiting room our whole entire family had gathered - minus my nana & pappy who were hurrying back from their vacation in Minnesota. Hospital staff and friends brought food and we took over the whole waiting room. We sat in silence, we cried, we hugged and we waited. We waited and prayed for her to make it and to pull through. It was almost unbearable to look at Layne and imagine his future potentially without his mother. 

It was a heartbreaking few hours. 

I'm not sure the time or what exactly transpired in the immediate time around her death, but I know her mom and dad were close with her when they let her go peacefully. 

The only comfort is knowing how much excruciating pain she was in, and now she is pain free. 

The rest of everything was/is far to painful to fully comprehend. 

Her young life cut short,

Her brand new baby without a mother, 

Her sister lost her only sister and best friend,
Her brother lost his sister, 

Her mother has one less child here on earth, 

and we are all left without a very important person in our family.

 I know this has not been as earth shattering as it has been for her mom, sister and brother, along with my grandparents, but my heart is still in shock that this actually happened. I was not the closest family member to her, and I don't pretend to be. But with a family like ours and as close as we all are, it tore me up. I watched my nana and pappy bury one of their grandchildren, my aunt struggle every day with grief, and my cousin Trisha is left without her best friend & sister. 

Its not fair that this happened to such a bright spirited girl, our girl, Cassie. We will never understand all the factors that led to her death and truthfully, it doesn't change our loss and it won't fix our sorrow if we knew every detail. It was a very unfortunate, tragic set of circumstances that led to the loss of life, and we will never be the same. 

Cassie's beautiful spirit is with all of us, and most importantly with her son, Layne. 

We have a piece of her on this earth and he will be reminded daily of his brave, strong momma who didn't stop fighting for him. 

We love you and miss you forever Cassie!