Eleven.

Eleven is one less than twelve.

We are ONE month away from twelve months. My mind is having a hard time processing that.

We've had an eventful 11th month.

We went to church camp at Wesley Woods (more info on that in some other posts!)

We found out that we are moving to Oklahoma in about 3 short months.
Evelyn is SO close to walking. She practically jumps around when she is walking with us. She might just start running.
Speaking of running, she turbo crawls everywhere. Usually straight to the stairs that she recently discovered. She had never climbed them before and one day, she sprinted toward them and crawled right up the flight of stairs. I couldn't stop her because I couldn't quite believe my eyes.

We have embraced the "duck face" as one of Evelyn's favorite faces to make at people. 

She's pretty cute, even with a duck face! 

While at camp, my fellow co-nurse Judy, was the Labor & delivery nurse who helped deliver Evelyn. She was the one who initially took care of her, assessed her, and helped Jordan give Evelyn's first bath. She also scrubbed my sweet baby's head because of all the gunk that was stuck in her mounds of hair! It was great to see her and have time with somebody who is so fantastic and is such apart of our family story! 

 Evelyn is becoming a toddler, and a funny little girl. Her personality is continuing to make us laugh and love every minute with her. She is cuddly when she wants to be, and sassy when she wants something. She likes to study things around her, put things together and try to take things apart. She loves being around people and knows how to charm those around her. 

She truly lights up the room. 

Our days our getting busier with playing & swinging outside while chasing a turbo-crawling 11 month old around, but I wouldn't have it any other way. 

Here's to 11 months in the books, and hoping and praying this last month of my baby being a baby goes slowly so I can cherish every moment. 

The Pit

THE pit. You know - THAT feeling. That pit in your stomach. Butterflies. Nerves. Anxiety.

Well that feeling has been in the center of my world for the past couple weeks. I'd like it to go away, but that is easier said than done. Knowing that your husband will be leaving for 8 whole weeks leaves you with quite and un-easy feeling.

Its that feeling that makes me unable to have an appetite {thank goodness I still have 10lbs of leftover baby!}. It makes me unable to enjoy my last few days with my love. It consumes me.

As much as I try to not think about the upcoming event of Jordan leaving, it surrounds me at every turn. I focus on the baby and for a moment, a short moment, I am distracted by her happy giggles and obliviousness of the changing dynamic about to take place in her home. Our living room has become packing central. Our table has uniforms and ribbons waiting to be put in the perfect spot on new jackets and shirts. There are two new pairs of boots waiting to be laced up. Out processing paperwork on my counter reminds me that he's leaving.

I've had a few days off work to be able to stay home and enjoy our last few days together. Trying to enjoy it is the hard part, which makes me more anxious because I just want to soak up every happy minute. Instead, we are both trying to not break down and not think about it, and it makes for some quiet meals because that is the only thing on our mind. Maybe its just us. Maybe its just my out of control anxiety that is causing this gloomy scenario playing out in our house. But if I were a bettin' woman, I'd guess that most families facing what we are facing, go through very similar emotions.

The lead up is the worst. Worrying about sleep the night before he leaves and if we'll be able to rest at all. Anticipating that I'm going to lose it at the airport and he can't do anything to help me as I drive away. Knowing that I'm going home to an empty, lonely house. Knowing that we are facing eight whole weeks without daddy. The unknown of this new training; when can we talk next, how often can we talk? I could barf just thinking about it all.

Then it happens. Then we wake up and its time to go. How long do we linger downstairs before getting in the car? We know we have to leave, but it just came too fast. The coffee is brewing and we will stand in the kitchen just trying to act like its no big deal. Hug like its the last time we'll ever get to. Load the baby in the car and try to make small talk. Hold hands like its going out of style. Pull into the airport and the tears come, they are quiet - for now. Help him unload his stuff. Stare at him getting in a pile, try and pretend like its not actually happening. Hug him. Hug, hug, hug, kiss, hug. Oh I can't let him go yet, more hugs. I think I'm shaking now, maybe its because I'm cold. We'll be okay, we'll be okay.

Both of us heading separate ways knowing that the sooner he leaves, the sooner he's home.

He'll be home before we know it and these eight weeks will be a short blip in time. But for right now, this blip is anxiety ridden and difficult. It will get easier, so they say. I don't think it ever gets easier, you just get used to the empty house and after the baby goes to bed and you're all alone is when its the hardest, thats when the tears come. Even if the tears never leave your eyes, they are there. And for now thats okay. The ache of missing my love will not be diminished with time, I will just cope any way I know how and get along with these eight weeks. This short blip in time that seems like eternity now, will be over soon.

And Now You're Even Older

.Birthdays. 

I am really not old enough to dread birthdays, and I think they are great days to be reminded that you are truly loved by your family and friends. Hundreds of Facebook posts, text messages, and phone calls remind you of that. 

But my birthday this year really feels different. I knew my birthday was coming because it was October and the day would eventually be here, but I kept forgetting. Things have changed this year. I am not closer to 30 than to 20. I'm 26. Mid twenties, but almost late 20's. Life is real now. I was a freshman in college 8 years ago. Those years are going to continue to get farther and farther away. I'm really an adult now. Not that I wasn't before, but it sounds for formal now. But isn't age just a number, but that's a whole different discussion.....

The real reason that my birthday doesn't matter anymore is because of my daughter. Now, I don't want her to ever think she made mommy forget her birthday and feel bad about it. My birthday doesn't matter anymore because everyday with her is far more important than celebrating MY birthday. "Me" just doesn't matter like that anymore. My desires pale in comparison to her desires. All I want for my birthday is to spend it with her AND Jordan. Sure, I might buy myself some shoes, or some clothes, but I don't see the need to fuss over my birthday anymore. 

What will this mean for future birthdays? I want to make sure that I take a little bit of time for my on my "special" day, but its hard to find that balance for me right now. Maybe its because Evelyn is so young still and it will get easier as we fall more into this new family life that we have, or maybe it will always feel like this. 

I think its important to look back at my previous year and celebrate the accomplishments while reflecting on faults. I also want to look ahead at the next year and dream about amazing things I could conquer. Instead of celebrating my birthday with gifts and parties, I want to celebrate life's little blessings and know that I am loved.  

{One} More Week

How can this be? How is it almost time for me to go back to work already? 

I am blessed to have been able to take {12} weeks of maternity leave. Technically it will only be 11 weeks because they took me off work about a week before she was born, but who's counting? 

I am blessed to love my job. 

I am blessed to have amazing co-workers who understand how hard it is to come back after having a baby. 

I am blessed. 

But all this doesn't make me any less sad to have to go back to work. I mean look at that face! 

I have been able to look at that face pretty much all day, everyday since she's been born. Yes of course we've gone out on dates without the baby, she has stayed home with Jordan while I run errands, but for the most part, she has been with me for most of her little life. I'm not quite sure how I will feel on that first day when I won't see her all day. Ugh! Just thinking about it makes me sad. 

I know its a good thing for all 3 of us for me to head back to work. Lets be honest, I'm not the best at staying home. I have come to really respect (and envy) you stay at home moms. And yes, I realize that you don't just stay at home all day every day. My career is so much more than just a career to me. Its apart of who I am, and I couldn't imagine not being a nurse and not working. 

I am excited to fall into our family routine. I feel like we've been living a fantasy life. Jordan has been home the whole time I've been home and its been amazing. But all good things must come to an end right? 

I look forward to this next chapter of balancing myself, being a wife, motherhood and my career. I know we'll have ups and downs. But we will work it out. 

So for now, in this last week of fantasy, I am going to breathe deeply, cherish every minute and live in the moment. I am going to cook dinners for my husband and be a stay at home wife for another week. I'm not going make plans and allow myself to stay at home in my pj's and relax. I'm going to take baths. I'm going to snuggle my baby girl as much as possible. I'm going to take naps when she naps. I'm going to eat whatever I want, because hey, I've lost 20 lbs already and I'm only 11 weeks out. One more week and I won't have so much down time. I'm going to pray for my sanity next Thursday. One more week. One.More.Week.

This too shall pass

I'm sitting here on the first cool (cold!) fall evening rocking my sweet baby girl. She is having a bad evening. Some of our evenings (days) are like this, although I haven't quite figured out what brings all this on. I wish I knew so I could stop it before it starts, but not because I don't like the crying or because I'm tired. Its because I hate seeing her upset and in pain. I can tell she is hurting, but she just can't tell me exactly whats wrong. So we rock. And we rock. And we rock.

The best gift I got from our baby shower is my Moby Wrap. It has been a life saver. I can still be productive on days or evenings when my sweet girl wants to be held. I can go grocery shopping and strangers who think they can just come up and touch my baby and share their nasty germs with her don't think of reaching out with their grimy hands. I *might* be part germ-a-phobe, and this is just an added bonus of the wrap. But the biggest bonus of all is that my baby girl likes it. And I have to admit, I like it too. We get into quite a rhythm, dancing to songs in my head. She is up against my chest hearing my heart beat and listening to every breath I take. She feels safe and I feel like I can give her all she needs in those moments.

My sweet girl finally finds sleep. I'm not sure how long her peace will last, but I take refuge in those moments watching her eyes dance as she's dreaming. Her beautifully petite features stand out to me and I get to study her face. Sometimes I don't get anything done when she's sleeping because I don't want to wake her. I feel bad on those days when the dishes go undone, or the laundry doesn't get folded. But then I realize, this too shall pass. These days are fleeting and before I know it she will be wiggling out of my arms to go move on to her next activity. I want to soak up every little snuggle I can get. I enjoy these moments even if they come after a screaming fit. I will always love these moments. I love being her mommy.

Showered with Love

Today was our first baby shower. Let me just say, that no amount of "thank you" "you're the best" or any other words can begin to sum up how I feel.

The GREAT Grandma's-to-be! 

It is absolutely un-comphrendable how much love was felt today. There are far too many people to list to say thank you, but just know that every person who played apart in today is forever sealed in my memory and I will be forever grateful for all you did for us. My mom, my "cousin-in-law" Carrie and my sisters, Katie & Michelle, went above and beyond my wildest dreams for an amazing baby shower! The setting was absolutely perfect for a shower at the Lawton Community Center, a quaint little museum/reception hall/banquet facility was so stunning. The food was amazing and the cake was to die for! The games were fun and everybody really enjoyed themselves from start to finish.

My beautiful bridal party almost 3 years later! 

So many people came from all parts of my life, with really means the most to me. All of my bridesmaids (& flower girl) were able to come, which brought back so many happy memories. Friends from work, family friends, lifelong besties, family, and grandmas all made the journey to come celebrate our new beginning as parents. Some others weren't able to make it for a variety of reasons and even though they weren't physically present, I know they were with us in thoughts and would have loved to join us had they been able to.

The Grandmas-to-be! 

The amount of gifts and love blew me away today. Seriously. And then I got home and it blew me away even more to see it all in our house. Jordan couldn't believe it when I opened up the back end of our car and he saw all the lovely things. But at the end of the day, and for many years down the road, we won't necessarily remember the gifts, but we will remember how much love we felt and how this day made us feel. In the end its not about the gifts, the party location, or the food, but its about family and friends coming together to celebrate a new little life! We are forever grateful for everything that everybody did for us today. I am still in shock that we are this fortunate to have so many people surrounding us with love at this time in our lives. So many things are going to change for us, but we know that our family and friends will always be there to love us and support us anyway they can. With this many happy feelings filling me up today, its crazy to think that we still have 2 more showers with more family and friends! My heart just might explode with gratefulness in the next month!

My Mommy

Today is Mother's Day! While I'm adjusting to picturing myself as a mom, I have to sit back and realize that I've had the best example to learn from in my mother.

Today just happens to be my mom's 50th birthday (Shhhh, don't tell her I told you how old she is!) Just another reason to celebrate my mom. Her name is Sherrie and she is pretty awesome. She is absolutely beautiful and knows how to make those around her feel beautiful too. I don't think she realizes how beautiful she really is sometimes. She has the best laugh in the whole world (it kinda sounds like Betty Rubble from the Flintstones!!) She's a great example of how to be a loving sister to her 3 sisters (I wish I would have paid more attention to that when I was younger!) Her straightforward opinion will never leave you guessing what sort of mood she's in, and you can never fault her for not being 100% honest, whether thats what you want to hear or not. She loves me and my sisters with her whole being and showed us all how to be strong women. She has always been a great partner to my dad and whether they want us to know or not, I know that they adore each other!

She has raised 3 strong-willed daughters (which would drive anybody nutty!) and has taught us to never settle, but also to understand the art of compromise, whether we practiced it or not. I  know we all 3 gave her hell growing up, especially in those teenage years, but if I could speak for my sisters, I know we would all say we are pretty lucky to have her. I used to think that she wasn't very cool. But my mom is really cool. She is the greatest shopping buddy (again with her honesty), and she has the best listening ear. I know I can call her anytime I need her and I know she'll be there for me. She is the first person I call when I've had a bad day, when I've had a good day and the one who I know is always there to support me. She knows me better than I know myself.

Its not always easy being a mom. You have to be honest and not be scared to hurt your kids feelings. I learned that you have to allow your children to learn things, yes even sometimes scary things, on their own. You can't hold your child's hand forever, you have to let them explore and take life as it comes. I will never forget all the times I asked for my mom's opinion on whatever I thought was important at the time. I was so frustrated when she would say, "Sounds like you have 2 great options, you can't go wrong." All I wanted was her insight, but she knew better. She knew that I wouldn't want to disappoint her and then I would make a biased decision based on her opinion. I still get annoyed when I ask her and I don't get a "good" response from her, but I am so thankful that she allows me to make my own, unbiased decisions. I'm sure thats not the easiest thing for her either, I know she has got strong opinions about things! Some people might say a good mom is one that protects her kids from failing, but I think an even better mom is one who can allow their kid to make mistakes and cry with them when they realize it and help them learn how to not make the same mistakes again.

My mom is the epitome of the best mom in the world and I can't imagine life without her. She has taught me so much about how to be a mom and I'm excited to show her how well she did teaching my sisters and I when its time for me to be a mom. Almost every day I do something that reminds me that I am my mothers daughter. I do so many of the same things she always does. They do always say, you become your mother. I was scared of that thought a long time ago, but now I accept it with open arms. She taught me so many things its hard to sum up into a little ditty about her, but I think you might get the picture. My mom is fabulous.

A Pregnant Mothers Day

Its mothers day this weekend and I've been doing a lot of thinking about what mothers day really is all about. It is a "made-up" holiday, but I think its very important at the same time. Its a day to be extra thankful for your mother and show her how much you care about her and show appreciation for all she does for you. I know my mom is pretty super and I'm pretty lucky to have her. Mothers day reminds me how awesome she is and how much I should probably thank her for all she does more often than I do.

All that being said, this year obviously I am pregnant. I have been out and about doing errands and people keep stopping me and saying, "Happy Mothers Day to the expectant Mommy." This usually starts a quick, causal conversation about due dates, first babies, etc. I absolutely appreciate the kind thoughts and wishing me a happy mothers day, but it just gets me thinking even more. This whole expectant mom thing on mothers day, especially the first time around I'm sure, is sort of an awkward thing for me at this point. I should probably not even think too much about this, but I can't help it, I'm me and thats what I do, over think things!

Now I am not denying that I am going to be a mother. Its just that at this point, its hard for me to picture myself as a mother currently. I wonder if that is just me, or if other pregnant women feel the same way. I very much so have an active little one that I know is fully living and would survive if it were born today (making me instant momma!). I am very aware of the baby items that are starting to accumulate in my house. We've been working on a nursery and planning our time off when our little one arrives. It just all seems too surreal to me at this point to actually think of myself as a mother, right now, in this current moment, for mothers day this weekend.

When is 'I'm going to be a mother' turn into 'I AM a mother?' For me I'm not sure that realization has happened yet. I am almost 30 weeks pregnant and I feel a  little behind the eight-ball on this one. Am I totally off my rocker here, or is this normal preggo momma stuff? I am beyond excited for all the things to be coming, but maybe thats just it. I can only picture all these motherly things happening in the future still. The future is going to quickly change to the present quicker than I can ever imagine. Maybe with baby showers and having the nursery done and ready for a baby will make it more real. Nonetheless, I know its coming whether we're ready or not and I am beyond excited!